by Tony Walker

The Good Old Days of Being Dead

I have had the great luck never to survive a game. I say luck because I very much enjoy being undead. Never surviving a game might not mean much to you striplings of only a year or two's experience, but I'm talking of not surviving one since the early days with Hack and Slaughter.  The first game I went to was in 1991 down a slate mine where I was horribly murdered near midnight by a Dimensional Shambler. Later that year, at Halloween in a haunted farmhouse, I was shot by one of my fellow players in need of a human sacrifice. Those who could have helped me sat quietly by. They know who they are. Still later, on a snowy February night in the Welsh hills, I was the evil Dr John (my surname I forget) who, once shot by a player, became a zombie. 

The Lumbering Zombie

This was my first zombie and I recall it with some affection. I remember stumbling about in the snow painted up green with arms outstretched. The door opened and I shambled through the house. I was of course playing the classic, lumbering zombie, the most common type. The problem was that players ran too far and too fast and restricted to lumbering there was no hope of catching them.  The lime jelly I had carefully held in my mouth was going to waste. I had of course been forced to eat a little of it so that I could speak to my fellow monsters, but it was liquefying at an alarming rate. In the end, in a fit of pique, I splurged it at a player but missed mainly and it ended up on the carpet.

One word of advice I would give to wannabee zombies, is that the good old days of lumbering are over. Gone is the time when a zombie could slowly shamble into a room and expect the players to retreat. These days, they are much more likely to smugly approach you and begin striking your outstretched arms (classic position) with rubber swords.

Other Zombie Types

No, for real shock value, there are only three types of zombie that can still cut the mustard. These are the jerking zombie the running  zombie and the surprise zombie. At the last game I tried the jerking routine. I entered the kitchen and began throwing my arms and body around spasmodically as if I were being electrocuted in an irregular fashion. In the ensuing panic, I noticed one young lady had fallen and had been trampled by the gentlemen players eager to get away. I could only barely see because I had taken my glasses off (I feel spectacles are not right for a zombie or the undead in general) but I went to her aid. Unfortunately she panicked and did herself more injury in trying to escape from my helping hands. Which were of course covered in green slime. 

The running zombie has been tried once or twice and can be very effective if a little dangerous. It's just the same as the lumbering zombie but at much greater speed. It is dangerous because the panic is greater and so players tend to run into things, fall off things, or trample each other. If you are a little short-sighted like myself, the running zombie can also entail personal injury. The other danger is that the running zombie kills all the players in rather short order.

The surprise zombie is nearly always a winner. It takes great patience. Very often requiring you to stand in a cramped, hot cupboard for some time in full makeup. You need to leave time to lull the players into a sense of security before lurching out. The other kind of surprise zombie which is easier to do, is just to lie very still. Let them come to you. Let them lean over you, search your pockets etc, and when they are sure that you are dead, suddenly reach up and grab them. Preferably with slimed hands.

Noises zombies can make

A zombie without a noise is only half a zombie. But which noises work? Laughter of course. But preferably of a mindless, repetitive kind. Howling can be effective, but should really be reserved for werewolves. Muttering in a half whisper as if you are trying to get rid of bad breath is good, but a crazed grunting is better. Incomprehensible words muttered in a tortured, insane manner can be useful but should be strictly rationed. Intelligible speech of any kind is not recommended because it can mean that you get into a conversation with players  and before too long find yourself passing comments on the weather or the latest cricket results.

The best effects can be gained from a combination of noise styles. An insane muttering at low volume alternated with some sudden very loud shrieking can produce startling effects. That is if the rubber swords don't get you first.

 PS. I have recently learned from Mr Swain that at his recent game he had a regenerating zombie. While this obviously owes something to the Dungeons &  Dragons troll, I think this is a capital idea and will be pressing for its incorporation as a standard feature at the next Union of the Unquiet Dead annual general meeting.

Next time:

Werewolves v. Mummies - a wrestling match I'd love to see.