A small guide in avoiding the nameless horrors of the universe, plus the named ones as well
When facing the forces of darkness we all would like to think that we would set our hats at a jaunty angle, slap our thighs, throw back our heads in a deep belly laugh at the things trying to scoop our brains out with a blunt spoon, then dive in with our fists a-flying, even if we’re armed with guns. And, true, some brave folk do that. They also end up dead. No, the people who bottle it are the ones that survive. They’re also the ones that make up the stories about the thigh slapping and such like. You don't actually believe they battled the devilish demons and beat them, do you?
You do? Oh.
When faced with malignant monsters there are only two options to take: Run or Hide. Or both. With a whimper. Oh yes, you may be bristling with indignity at the thought of turning tail but we all know how much use staying and fighting is. Plus it’s always followed by final words of; “Well, I was sure we did the spell right to enchant this shovel…” or “Invisible creature that kills instantly? Pah, don’t make me laugh…” or “I didn’t know he could shoot a death ray from there…”
No, gentle reader, the best bet is to swallow your pride, grab your loose change, and run like buggery. Below is some advice in avoiding being maimed by conniving cadavers. Use at your own risk.
* Please feel free to include little girly shrieking noises when using any of the following.
1. The Tactical Withdrawal
Best Weapons: Guns (even if they don’t kill they slow down the advancing monstrosity)
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Victim 1 runs, hide behind a tree or similar cover a little way on, then gives covering fire for retreating Victim 2. Victim 2 finds something to hide behind, then gives Victim 1 covering fire while he makes for another tree and so on. |
Sounds good on paper, but in real life it never happens. The problem is that everyone else is Bombing It and won’t give two figs about you. Granted, after your death people will be saying, “That selfless man held back the zombiefied weresheep long enough for us to get away at the cost of his own life. God bless his bravery! God bless the King!” but that’s not very satisfying when you’re being slowly devoured by Flossy. Avoid.
Usual thing heard over the NPC’s radio: “I couldn’t believe it, he just stood there shooting at us, wasting his bullets, pausing to glance forlornly over his shoulder. Pillock”
2. The Bombing It
Best Weapon: Your Body (having a blade or sword in your hand helps)
| Victim 1 runs from the Slobbering Mutant Goldfish, pushing people, small animals, children, and small animalistic children out of the way. Victim 1 stops when breathing comes a problem and lights flash before his eyes. |
A straight charge that once it gets going no man, beast or pothole will stop (but a tree will). Tentacles may writhe, fangs may gnash and skeletal fingers may grasp but your body will avoid all. Normally ends once out of puff (5 meters to 5 miles, depending on fitness and/ or high heels) and then you’re buggered: 9 time out of 10 you have to venture back the way you came because all the important stuff was left behind, tip toeing in case you stumble across the dark beasts again. Unfortunately if you do you’re normally too knackered to run again. The Sacrifice might be a possible option if you find yourself in this situation.
Usual thing heard over the NPC’s radio: “Blimey, he can run fast for a man of the cloth, can’t he?”
Best Weapon: A small arse.
| Victim 1 hears the screams below of Victim 2, 3, and 4 and decides to help them by surviving to warn others of the danger. Pulling his legs up and craning his neck 90 degrees, he slips into the bottom half of a towel cupboard and waits for the danger to pass. Victim 1 should use this time to think up a story to cover his 'Tactical Concealment'. |
Every demon, demi god and mild minion think they know this trick but not by a long way. It's not being suggested that squatting in a chair shape and throwing a blanket over you will work, nor will holding a candle and pretending to be a cigarette lighter. But hiding up chimneys, behind doors, in cupboards and under beds are good places to go as long as you've got someone else in the room! The trick is to put them in the most obvious spot, telling them "No, it's a brilliant place to hide. I wished I was the one using it," and adding the words: "Nah, you'll be fine," at the end. Then once they've been found and are keeping the creature busy you can either run or stay put till the monster has filled its stomach and the coast is clear. A winner.
Usual thing heard over the NPC’s radio: “Yeah, behind the sofa again. His mate was up the chimney. Someone go and check behind the shower curtain and in the dustbin.”
Best Weapons: A gun and a slow moving person who can’t fight back.
| Victim 1 shoots Victim 2 in the leg. Victim 2 hobbles to a crawl and is slowly devoured by the chasing creature, cursing with his last breath the day Victim 1 ever came into his life. Victim 1 recalls events to Victim 3, 4 and 5 using The Tactical Withdrawal as a cover story, pausing for effect when recounting the part when Victim 2 told him to “go on without me, I’ll hold them back.” At this point Victim 1 should brush a single tear away while trying not to giggle. |
It sounds harsh but think of it as natural selection. Plus you’ll be doing yourself and all your other comrades a favour by getting ride of the dead weight. But use when no one else is about as they may not go for the “But it’s for best. It’s the way of the west, etc” line. Another winner.
N.B. This is also known in the trade as The Garwood Manoeuvre
Usual thing heard over the NPC’s radio: “He did what? Really? Excellent!”
5. The Careful Backstep
Best Weapon: A clear view of the ground
| Victim 1 notices the Great Mucus Beast From Beyond walks rather slowly when coming down the slope. It's either not used to our gravity, its body unable to fully cope with the extra force on its skeleton and mucus circulation, or it can't see a thing and is frightened of tripping on its face (and pretty much dispelling any fear generated by the four heads, mass of tentacles and two toes it has as a body.) Victim 1 shouts to Victim 2 the information he needs to warn the others, then taunts the monster with glee, taking time to saunter round and prod it with a sharp stick. |
If only all encounters were like this. It gives you time to prepare, tell people what to look out for, chat up the opposite sex, or find a decent hidey hole. The only danger is if you trip up; in that case the beast will be on you like... a really slow moving thing still. If you somehow manage to get attacked then frankly you deserve to die.
N.B. This option is the only one where it is acceptable to laugh at the shambling monstrosity. Please feel free to add a mocking tone to your chuckle.
Usual thing heard over the NPC’s radio: “Bloody mask! I…can’t…see…a….bloody…thing.”
6. The Begging To Be Let Go
Best Weapon: A pathetic whimpery look
| Victim 1 gets to his knees, puts his hands together and pleads. After initial burst of tears, Victim 1 shows fake picture of 'The Wife and Kids' adding the words "Oh, to see them one last time!" |
Oh please. What are you, a man or a mouse?
Usual thing heard over the NPC’s radio: “Well, I felt so sorry for him. Still killed him, though. Had to, I’ve got a reputation to think about”
Although this advice has been gathered in the field by the finest experts, nothing beats actual experience. Fighting the forces of evil is a richly rewarding pastime. Just ask one eyed, one legged, half a lung Bob over there, he'll tell you. If he had a tongue still.
