A small guide to fighting and defeating the many denizens of the underworld

Hello gentle reader, my name is Professor E. Entwhistle, sometimes inventor of the useful, but mostly investigator of the unknown. I’ve been in the 'saving the world' game for quite a number of years now and recently started to witness more and more young folk becoming involved in this dangerous pastime. So I thought 'Hmm, I know a bit, perhaps I should share my knowledge with others' and thus this guide was born. We shall deal with the underworld nasties in order of danger, starting with the common and going all the way to the downright stupid to face. I’ve also included advice on how to actually battle the dodgy denizens using the normal weapons of choice for an investigator: i.e. his gun, his shovel and his legs. Hopefully, whether you're a hired seasoned professional, or merely a amateur that should really find a better hobby to do, my years of experience in the field will be of help to you (well, more so than to the rest of my colleagues who are either dead, mutated, or down right nuts)

Zombies:

I'll begin with the classics although I’ll only touch upon them here as there are other more in-depth articles around showing how to deal with the shuffling cadavers. However I did want to point out that there seems to be a rise in the occurrences of zombies that can move very fast, leap long ways, and generally be unsportsman-like and actually be immune to bullets. Whether it’s because of black magic, dark arts, strange sciences, or because someone fancied having a challenge, these type of undead are out there. Be warned, and have a good hard look when encountering the exdead to see what type they are (you can tell the newer, updated type of zombie: they’ll be the ones eating your leg while you’re busy trying to blast it with a shotgun to no avail. A dead giveaway.)

If faced by zombies then try shooting, then shoveling (it is permissible to say “You might as well shovel it!” whenever you swing a shovel. In fact I think it’s a law somewhere. The other line when doing an overhead blow is: “Bloody otter…”). If that doesn’t at least slow it, run and barricade yourself in a room somewhere while it finds more 'easy' prey (saving the world isn't for the noble).

Cultists:

These black robed lackeys are, like most bullies, dangerous in groups but easily scared if alone. They like to tell you they’re the Chosen Ones for their God, but we all know it’s rubbish and the only reason they joined this motley crew is because they’ve got no friends and they got really over-excited and giggly when someone mentioned something about ‘virgins’ being involved. And let's face it, they wear black not because it's all evil and stuff, but because they think it's slimming. Blindly loyal, they are also superbly thick and will throw away their lives without thinking; except the leaders who are always gloating know-it-alls who manage to get away. Avoid, purely because they’re annoying.

The ones to really avoid are the magicians in the group. Don't get confused: these kind of folk can't make balloon animals, don't ask you to pick a card, or have standing near them an assistant called Shirley who dresses in sequins and waves her arms a lot (although the black robed devils might say 'Ta da!' after doing something really evil). These sorcerers can cast dark magic that can decimate a group of hardy fellows in seconds, or at the very least melt somebody's face with a flick of their hand. If you spot a cultist about to utter "AbracaDIE!" at you then you're facing a magician. Take steps immediately to deal with the threat.

The good thing about them is that they ‘normally’ go down if shot and can only take a couple of blows from a shovel (again, ‘normally’). Bad things: if you’re out of ammo and / or have no shovel then things could get awkward. If weaponless you could use some chat-up lines if they’re the opposite sex, or if you think they’re, you know, that way. (“Nice legs. What time do they open?” or “You must have a mirror in your knickers because I can see myself in them.” or “The word is Legs. Fancy coming back to my place and spreading the word?” You get the idea…) Bad things to say is “Do what you want to the girl, just leave me alone!” It simply isn’t good form.

Ghosts:

Not as much as a threat as you think. They glow, they pass through walls, they possess rubbish mediums to tell old dears that “Yes, it’s me George, your husband. The money was in the old suitcase you threw out,” but let’s be honest, they’re not really world threatening are they? Just avoid their touch, ignore their pleas (“Help me find my brother!” Sh’yeah, right….) and always keep a safe distance. They tend to go away after a while, rattling their chains in a sulk.

Ways to deal with them: Try to find some kind of enchanted weapon if you have to fight (there’s always one nearby wherever you find ghosts, or at least the instructions on how to make one.) To avoid spirit trouble in the first place just don't build your house on some ancient burial ground or Aztec temple and you’ll be fine.

Werewolves:

Awkward one this. Not fighting them, that's easy (and if I need to tell you how then you shouldn't be in this business at all). But normally it turns out to be a relative of the person that hired you that's the werewolf. Good luck in getting your fee after you've just taken their mother's head off with a silver plated shovel ("She had to die, it's for the good of mankind. Now that'll be £100 pounds please. Do you mind paying in cash?). Try not to get involved with jobs like this, it's not worth the domestic.

Minor Minions:

We’re talking Dimension Shamblers, Nightgaunts, Serpent people etc. These servants of the outer gods have habit of turning up when things are quiet and you were just beginning to relax. And it’s always in the evening, just after dinner. Odd, that. They attack fast and deadly, so be on your guard for any strange smells, odd mists, huge shadows etc suddenly appearing. If you’re ready for them you will find that, like girls with tattoos on their stomachs of an arrow pointing downwards and the words “This way to the grotto”, they’re easy. Sure it might take a burst of concentrated fire, or a damn good shoveling, but provided you can manage to fight them one at a time they should be quite manageable. Plus, if they haven't got opposable thumbs, shut them in a room. Doesn't really do them any damage but watching a deviant of evil being confounded by a door handle is a laugh and a half.

Major Minions:

Deep Ones, Mi Go, downright icky things that slither etc. These are the creatures that you suddenly meet in the dark, then the next moment you realise that half your party is now squished and you should be running away making squeaky noises. Make no mistake, take time to laugh at how stupid these look (“Deep One? Scary? Pah, it’s just an oversized haddock with an attitude!”) and you’ll be dead. Yep, these are tough, but they’re not impossible to defeat. The trick is to use your mind as well as your bullets. Think something that big is any good at moving? Come on, when was the last time you saw a Deep One on a Fun Run? By the time the signal from its brain has reached its leg to move you should've already emptied the chamber of your gun and be getting ready to slap it with a shovel. Always let the creature come to you: it'll probably run 5 yards then have to stop for a breather. Keep falling back, just out of arms / tentacle reach, and give it a few minutes. They’ll more than likely give up and return back to their own dimension moaning about how unfit they are, feeling like a total failure. Another victory for the good guys.  

Gods from other dimensions:

You would’ve thought they’d be busy enough with sleeping in endless voids and appearing before simple folk in tortillas without causing trouble for the rest of the human race but no. These beings, not impressed with our warm beer, pouring rain and increasing taxes, want to turn things to the good old days and change our way of life into slavery and worship without so much as a by or leave. The swines. The trouble is, they can do it.

Ways to deal with them: 'Tricky', is the key word here. You’re going up against a god, for god’s sake! You’ll probably have him, his henchmen, his guards AND his minions to worry about. No matter how much ammo you have, it won’t be enough, and your shovel isn't going to be much cop either. To be honest, if you're up against something like this then you're pretty much shafted. Be a man: hold you chin up, shake the hands of your fellow investigators in a 'honour working with you' type of way, then run like buggery.  

Well, I hope this advice has helped in someway with the good fight. Watch your back, watch the skies, and watch that bloke with the hairy palms, mono brow and the aversion to silverware.

Yours, Prof E. Entwhistle